


but when i’m bad, i’m better

by peachydz



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Based On Poetry, First work - Freeform, M/M, ee cummings, i just want to get into writinggg, like it’s bad, ngl this is tryhard poetic, sorry :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 11:39:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14260158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachydz/pseuds/peachydz
Summary: at church he sits next to you. he whispers in your ear when everyone is singing. “my name is dave,” he says. “i like your eyes.”





	but when i’m bad, i’m better

**Author's Note:**

> title is from “you’re so cool” by nicole dollanganger
> 
> this is heavily influenced/inspired by ee cummings’s “my father moved theough dooms of love”

your father moves through faults of passion. 

always working, always moving, you never have rest. when you two settle in texas for god knows how long it will take before you pack up again, it pains you to get out of bed. your grades are dropping. the school calls almost everyday to inform your father(asifhewouldbehome)that you are missing classes. it’s deep at night when father smiles at you, when you tell him you are keeping the work up. he ruffles your hair.

“John, son, I am so proud of you.”

you don’t feel anything. his words don’t register in your mind as good or bad. 

-

on sundays he makes time(whydidhenotmaketimeforyou)to drive the both of you to the shitty presbywhatever church all the way downtown. you do not find joy in the word of god, you do not find yourself in the songs they sing. when you find yourself shuffling past the pews after a final ‘amen’, you bump into someone with a mumbled “sorry.” something in your stomach, no, your chest, shifts when you see the boy you ran into. something twirls up your rips and spine, twining around your lungs, a vice grip on your heart.

you duck your head and shuffle even faster.

-

dave moves through dooms of boldness. dave. dave is the boy you saw last sunday. you had been less empty(stillblankstillnotcaring)more full in the ticking days of the passing week. by the time sunday rolls around, you are almost jittery. 

at church he sits next to you. he whispers in your ear when everyone is singing. “my name is dave,” he says. “i like your eyes.”

-

your father is excited(isheexciteddoeshefeel)when he comes home on monday after 11pm to see you curled up on the couch with dave. he thinks you have made a friend. your father is not wrong, but dave is more. father stirs and squirms under dave’s eyes, eyes your father could not even see past the shades. you think father is not so excited anymore. 

dave sighs through his nose and tightens his arm around your shoulders.

\- 

you decide that dave should not come over anymore when your father puts the cameras up. it’s too dangerous, you say, it’s a big risk. he runs a hand through your hair and doesn’t say anything. 

you only see him at church now. both of you dodge out as mass starts so nobody can follow you. you both always go to a bench behind the church in the field. he peppers your face with kisses there.

dave won’t let you come over to his apartment. you are initially angry, but as the weeks pass by a gross lump of worry grows in your gut when you keep finding bruises nicks and breaks on his body. 

“dave,” you always say. he always immediately kisses you, shuts you up. dave likes it when you sit in his lap. you both move through worries of silence.

-

dave tells you things he has never told anyone. you tell him things you have never told anyone. dave once peed on the ball wall. you like watching ballet. dave is gay. you are in love with dave. it’s been two months of weekly church meet-ups and you have never felt so alive. 

father tries to stop you from seeing dave. you do not let him. you are tired of letting him throw you across the country like a doll, you tell him. this is the first friend you have ever had. when you call dave a friend, like he is just someone to talk about the weather with, to make superficial chatter with, to keep at a distance, it makes you clench your teeth. but father can’t know more, for he moves through mountains of anger at things like that. 

can’t let him know his one son is a ‘faggot’.

\- 

the first time you see dave’s brother (father?) you suddenly understand every secret dave has kept from you, every injury on his body, all the old scars. it happens when you two are just leaving church, trying to blend in with the crowd of old people weeping at the beauty of their god. 

tires screech against the road nearby. a car door slams. heavy footsteps. dave grabs your hand but drops it fast, thinks fast. before you know it, dave has been shoved to the ground then picked back up by the back of his shirt by a tall man who looks just like him. this tall version of dave sends your heart to your stomach. 

all you can do is stare. dave’s scraped hands bleed. your father pats your back and tries not to look too relieved, then brings up dinner for the night.

-

the last time you see dave is the first time you really see dave. you go to your usual spot behind the church. you hold his hand. both of you are in your feelings. dave has a few new bruises and a broken rib. you cry for him while he just watches, but you can tell he is upset in the slight curve of his lip. he is bitter at the hand he has been dealt in life. 

dave confesses that he has always idolized his brother until recently. you kiss him while he speaks (his cheek, his nose, his chin) and tell him that you understand. he tells you he is taking a bus to get away soon, and that you should come with him.

you, john egbert, have never considered such a crazy idea in your life. you tell him you will be ready tomorrow.

five minutes later you both are in a compromising situation, lying in the grass; his shades are resting nearby while his hand is down your pants. the church bell rings. 

your father comes round the building in search of you. later in the day, dave has already been slapped once by your father and he is now given a kick from his brother at the step of your door. dave is defeated. you throw yourself towards him (he is the best thing in your life) while father holds you back.

dave is gone.

-

the funeral is held at the church. closed casket. you do not even get to see his face one last time. the old women and men who attend mass show up, but you can feel the tension in the air. they aren’t sad over this dead gay kid who never respected their godly rules. 

your father bows his head in the back as you take your time crying over the casket. he drives you home when it ends. you go back to being empty. weeks later, your father gets a job offer in washington and he accepts despite his current job like usual. you sit silent in the car.

you move through griefs of heartache.

**Author's Note:**

> HAHAHA i JUST reread this.. im so sorry


End file.
